| |
The federal, state and territory ministers of education are about to release a report showing Australian teenagers have little knowledge of Australian History. The following essay on the History of Australia by Ashlee M, Year 8, Coolathanu High is believed to be included in the report.
Australia is a large incontinent which lies in the Specific Ocean except for Tasmania which doesn’t know where it is. Australia is very hot because the Topic of Popracorn is in Queensland somewhere, which means Queenslanders are sweaty and can grow topical plants in their ears. But the most important topic is the topic of Cancer because if youse get sunburnt, Omigod, ya gonna die.
Australia was discovered by Captain Hook when he was cursing about the ocean looking for trouble. He nearly crashed into the Great Barrier Wreath and said ‘Oops! I’ve just bumped into Australia’. But he didn’t stay long ‘cos all the sailors suffered from a disease called swervy and indigestion. When he went back to England he told people Australia was, like, awesome and that and because they bred lots of criminals in those days they sent some on a cruise to Australia.
When the convicts arrived and rowed ashore they snuck up and took Australia from the aborigines ‘cos the aborigines were asleep. It was their dreamtime. Then lots of explorers wandered around Australia until they found stuff like Major Mitchell, who was a galah. Someone named Flinders circumcised Australia in a boat. Then the squatters came. They grew sheep and beards and did drugs and graffiti and stuff ‘cos that’s what squatters do and ‘cos Australia was hot and you can only grow crops from irritation. After the squatters and the swaggie, who stole a jumbuck and smoked some Coolabah leaves in a billabong came the selectors, who picked a cricket team for the ashes and then everyone was happy.
Next was the Gold Rush. Lots of tourists came to Australia and went to Sovereign Hill to look for gold, which is very hard to find because it is so little and not worth the effort. They all had to walk and got sore feet. And following the Eureka Sock Ad there was a fight over who should pay the taxis ‘cos like they needed taxis to get to gold fields.
Then came Federation. Australia joined the World Wrestling Federation. Everyone gave boring speeches and we got a government. We decided to keep the Queen because she did a good job and we needed someone who gave a good head for our money. We got a flag of a boxing kangaroo and a song which goes ‘Australian’s let us all reduce’ because we’re so fat. We sent our Prime Minister to Canberra to keep him out of the way, but it didn’t really work ‘cos he’s always annoying someone about something. When the Prime Minister said, like, we should make Australia Day a pubic holiday everyone said ‘Aw right!’ But Australia Day is a really dumb holiday ‘cos its in the summer holidays. How can ya have a holiday when you’re already on holidays? So no one gives a stuff.
Next in our history came the First World War. We have Anzac Day for the biscuits they ate in that war. But there was a real problem with Gallipoli, which is a type of pasta. Next was the depression. And everyone in Australia was depressed until the next war when they cheered up. Hitler fought everyone in the Second World War ‘cos like he had a bad haircut. And many Australians hiked the Kakodak Trail and took pictures. Then the war ended and nothing much happened in Australia until we had the Olympic Games in 2000, which we won. And that’s the history of Australia.
|
|
|
|
