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‘I’ve made a New Years resolution’ I said to HRH at breakfast. ‘Hmm!’ he replied. ‘You’re not going to be my husband anymore’ ‘Hmm!’ he muttered. ‘The term husband sounds too domesticated, too commonplace, too dull. Where’s the passion? Where’s the sexual heat?’ ‘Hmm!’ he mumbled. ‘You need a new tag. Something dynamic. What should I call you?’
‘Melanoma’ he enthused. “That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it? I can’t imagine introducing you with the line ‘Have you met HRH, my melanoma?’” ‘Melanoma’ he repeated. ‘Sun induced skin cancer! 12 Across.’ He was doing the crossword.
Marriage has had years of bad press. The terms husband and wife sit in our brains alongside words like slippers, hot water bottles, false teeth, doilies, record players and floral carpet, outdated and dull. If we want young people to marry, and they seem reluctant, then we need exciting new terms for husband and wife such as ‘I’d like you to meet Stanley, my iSqueeze.’
In fact, the entire mating game vocabulary needs a rethink. Young people don’t date they txt. So a teenager doesn’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend, they have a txta. Older people do date. But after the age of 18 the term boyfriend peters out, but rogers on, of course. A 57-year-old balding, divorced father of 3 adult children hardly rates the boyfriend tag. It’s like saying ‘I’m going out with Orlando Bloom’ and in walks Jack Nicholson. Moreover this relationship may involve two houses with sleepovers. So Jack is more than a boyfriend, but less than a fulltime partner. How does a girl introduce him? ‘This is Jack. He’s my 0.8 Partner, but I’m trying to get him down to 0.6.’ Meanwhile, some relationships aren’t exclusive. How can a girl introduce such a partner? ‘I’d like you to meet Shane, my Time-Share Shag.’
There are so many different combinations and possibilities in the mating game new terms are desperately needed. At first, I thought dog breeders had the answer. A sour girlfriend who, say, screams one minute and delivers the cold shoulder the next could be called a Bitch’nFreeze. Whereas a girl, whose workmate maybe is or maybe isn’t her boyfriend could call him her Border Colleague. Then there are the mixed breeds. A girl dating an average bloke, she’s not too excited about, would be her WillDoodle, whereas, sadly, that gorgeous gay guy date would be her NoCanDoodle.
Unfortunately, there are more relationship combinations than dog breeds. Take fiancé, for starters. The term iWoo would be sweet, but engagements can last from 3 minutes in a bar at 3am to 20 years. One name does not fit all. Some engagements are even virtual. What could a girl call her online fiancé? Her e-male? That 3-minute 3am engagement has more to do with alcohol than commitment. Perhaps, both parties could refer to each other as beertrothed. After ten years the fiancé label wears a little thin. A girl should call her 10-year fiancé her Ployboy. Similarly, the term ex hardly addresses all the shades of ex produced by broken relationships. A convivial ex could be called an XPal and a money-grabbing ex could be called an XSponge. What about the exs of evil? Xhell, I guess.
But what new dynamic tag could I find to re-invent the term ‘husband’ for the New Year? ‘What term would he prefer?’ I asked HRH. ‘Sex machine’ he replied. ‘Is that a crossword clue?’ ‘No! What’s wrong with Sex Machine?’ ‘As sex machines go you’d be Vintage Class. Possibly in need of a crank start.’ ‘Huh!’ he snorted. ‘Please yourself then’. ‘Humpgrump sprang to mind’ I mumbled under my breath. But it sounds dated. I wanted something contemporary. ‘I know. You can be MiM8.’ ‘I feel more like your iNag’ he mumbled and returned to the crossword.
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