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I would like to draw your attention to golf players - not the stars, the rest, the general hackers- and ask the following questions. Are people who play golf more deranged than the rest of the population? Or does some sort of major degenerative mental process take place as soon as a person steps onto a golf course?
Golf is a very strange game. To commence play a person must, first of all, kiss good bye to several million years of evolution, stoop forward, spread their feet, bend their knees and assume the stance of a chimpanzee in smart casual dress.
While doing this they must also adopt the correct grip on the club. This grip is so unnatural, if applied in other circumstances to any other appliance, say a garden hose, in public, it would be considered an act of gross indecency.
Then comes the swing. To achieve even a marginally passable swing a player must have studied pictures in magazines, books and on video tapes so full of dotted lines and arrows, they could believe they have just taken up macramé and are trying to perform a double loop twist knot with their own body.
Then there is the drive. And only golf would go to the trouble of naming the bad shots. Tennis, in contrast, names the good shots. There is the volley, the smash and the ace. In golf there is the slice, the hook, the pull and the fade. And so good is the average golfer at the slice, the hook, the pull and the fade that the game turns a mild-mannered Mother Teresa personality type into the equivalent of an average axe murderer unhappy with his swing. Very unhappy. Never happy, in fact.
At this point, one would imagine that anyone with even half a brain would abandon the game to take up Scrabble. But no! Golfers persist. This gives us very strong grounds to suspect their mental stability. But, I think the final proof that golfers are more deranged than other members of the community is determined by the following points.
Only a golfer, on hitting the ball, would warn people by calling out ‘fore’. Anyone with a few working neurons would call out 'duck'. Wouldn't they?
Only a golfer wears one glove. That is, of course, apart from rock star Michael Jackson. This fact alone would give them enough points to push golfers up into the highly suspect group in a 'Are You a Real Weirdo?' Magazine Quiz.
Only a golfer would believe that the latest, scientifically designed golf ball will improve their game. So many millions of dollars have been spent on the aerodynamic design of the golf ball each one should come with it's own flight attendant and life raft (For the water hazards.) But, of course, the design of the ball will make very little difference to the golfer who specialises in the slice, the hook, the pull and the fade.
Only a golfer would optimistically purchase a set of hi-tech golf clubs named 'Ping'. If golfers were to purchase clubs which reflected in any way the acoustics of their golf style, they would be buying brands like 'Pfft!', ‘O No-o-o-o-o!' and 'Did you see where that ball went?'.
Only golfers would support an entire industry of devices, gadgets and breakthrough thingummyjigs, designed to improve their swing. There are belts to keep the elbows down, braces to keep the head down, straps and levers to lock the elbow at right angles, buckles and belts to keep the wrist stiff, wrist cuffs to keep the wrists together and braces to keep the knees apart and bent. Do you know what this is? Bondage without the sex. How weird is that?
Only golfers would respond to a magazine ad promoting a secret system or technique designed to improve their golf. Think about this. If the system was that good, it would be no secret. You would see it everywhere. My favourite advertisement is as follows. 'Amazing Secret Discovered by One-legged golfer adds 50 yards to your drives'. This is irresponsible advertising. If a golfer believed that having one leg could improve their golf, they would be tempted to chop one leg off.
Finally, only a golfer would put up with the pathetic range of presents inflicted upon them at any opportunity. Every Christmas, birthday, father's day and so forth they are showered with golf mugs, ties, boxer shorts and lampshades. There are golf ball alarm clocks, golf ball soap, golf ball salt and peppershakers. The house could end up looking like a practise range for china golf balls. It's sad really.
I came to the conclusion long ago that golf was a game invented by sadists to keep masochists happy. I see no reason to change my mind.
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